I work at a bank. When people ask me what I studied in college, I cringe. Here goes my 10-minute explanation. Whenever I answer that question, I feel like I have to explain. Because what I studied is not what I’m doing, what I’m doing is not what I want to do, what I studied is not what I want to do either, but I’m a little afraid of admitting what I really want to do.
So, here I am, explaining…not because I feel like I have to explain, or that anyone will actually be interested in reading it, but because I think it’ll be therapeutic. Just call it blog therapy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago what I wanted to do, I would have told you the fantasy I had of becoming a photojournalist for National Geographic. I liked writing–my teachers said I was pretty good at it. Something about photography really intrigued me, even though in restrospect I had no idea how that film SLR I carried around really worked. And I loved traveling…I hadn’t really done much of it, but I liked the idea of it anyway. So, naturally, I should be a traveling photojournalist for National Geographic.
Something deep inside me wanted to do something that would truly help people. Towards the end of my high school years, I thought a lot about all the hurting people in the world and in our own country, and I wanted my career to be something I felt would tangibly help people. I also loved kids, and I had a passion for education. I turned my sights toward becoming a teacher, as I knew I felt called to help the underpriviliged. At the time, I remember thinking that I couldn’t see myself being a photographer when there were so many people hurting and in need of help.
I went through 4 years of school studying elementary education. But the classes I loved most were my Spanish and language learning classes, my semester studying in Costa Rica about all kinds of topics related to justice and the lives of people in Central America, and the one photography class my school offered. I reached the end of my senior year and realized that I didn’t really love what I was studying. Nice timing, huh? I loved the idea of helping kids succeed and learn, but not in the traditional classroom setting. But I don’t regret it. I remember telling my roommate, “If I had known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have majored in education. But I wouldn’t know what I do now if I didn’t take the path that I did.”
So here I am, three years later, discovering my calling and beginning to follow my passion. In the past 3 years, I’ve gone through so many ups and downs, struggles and joys. I finally found peace when I stopped pounding at the heavens, asking God what He wanted me to be, and I started asking who He wanted me to be. The peace washed over me when I had that realization. Through that, I’ve seen that being a teacher is no more noble a calling than being a janitor or a cashier or a photographer.
I’m still stepping out of the fear of doing something when I’m not sure if I’ll succeed. When I think of it, it’s exciting and wonderful, but so terrifying because it’s vastly different from where I thought I was going…it’s terrifying because for once in my life, I’m not sure if I would succeed when I put my mind to something.
But the passion is beginning to outweigh the fear.
